Modern Corporate Office: Introducing EGILT!

As part of my company's expansion effort, I've summoned my head of Human Resource and laid out my plan for a new office building. As much as it is a trend nowadays, I've stated my desire to attach a catchy name to the building, just like what Google (Googleplex) and Apple (One Infinite Loop) did.

After dozens of suggestions from my top lieutenants, which was made possible using this on-line name generator, I, finally, calmly and unsparingly rejected all those suggestions and came out with my own name for this new base: EGILT.

 Artist rendering of EGILT

Now...EGILT is not just another office. It's a new-generation-cookie-cutter office. It will have all the bells and whistles of a modern corporate workplace.

1. EGILT will carry a minimalist concept, as I'll be using art as an excuse to minimize the budget for furnishings and fittings.
2. EGILT, on the inside, will have huge open spaces and high ceilings, because we'll be using an abandoned warehouse on the outskirt of the town, where the rent is cheap (just in case the owner is still interested about the building and shows up).
3. EGILT will have dozens of TV rooms, laundry services and sleeping compartments, because I expect my staffs to 'feel just like at home' and live there.
4. EGILT will have a spa, a gym and in-house doctors, so that my staffs will have less excuse to fall sick and skip work. 
5. EGILT staffs wear casual clothes all week, to blur the line between work and play so that it becomes work and work.
6. EGILT will serve gourmet meal and have kitchen-on-demand, so that my staffs will never have to leave the office even for entertaining clients.
7. EGILT will have extended playgrounds and camping spots, so that my staffs can bring along their children and attach "along with work" to the "family first" concept.
8. EGILT will have recreational facilities like a wall-climbing hall and a bowling alley, so that my staffs will still come and spend their weekend in the office.
9. EGILT will be free from internal-combustion cars and staffs get to ride on cleaner natural-gas buses, so that I can have more control on where and when they'll leave the office.
10. EGILT will use solar panels and clean energy, because it's the only PR stunt that is covered by governments incentives and tax-break.

With this array of paraphernalia, EGILT will surely be a on the list of 'best offices to work in'. It will attract so much hype and popularity that people will line up to work for my company.

But EGILT is so much cooler, it will up the ante and become not just a dream 'office to work in', but also 'an office to die in'.

And what's the meaning of EGILT you wonder?

It's Electric Grid Insect Light Trap, a major source of inspiration in designing this ultimate office. An office that will attract people to die in, without them realizing or willing.

Now with free shipping!

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Sustainable Stupidity

Can we really achieve sustainability?

Who invented this superfluous word anyway? Because wherever I go and whatever I read today, environmentalists, revolutionists, economists and even the dentists are talking about making something sustainable.

Take the automotive industry for example. We rant about the smoke and the CO2 they're puffing into the atmosphere and the gallons of hydrocarbons they're guzzling from the earth's crust...prompting fear that air pollution and energy crisis will degrade the environment until it's unsustainable for future life.

So to promote ecological sustainability, the like of Teslas created electric-powered car, and the like of Toyotas are promoting hybrid engines.

What the heck?

Electric cars uses electric, generated mainly from the filthy dirty coal that's more harmful to the environment. And if Hybrid electric motors can lessen the need for oil, why mate it with to a 5000cc engine that's more than enough to drain our petroleum reserves on its own?

I can has a hybrid motor? Coz' ma' 5-litre engine iz not enuff.

Now how about creating a sustainable workplace? Talking about your home away from home (wether you like it or not) and making your office life sustainable can make you happy and paycheck rolling for the long run. But..

What the heck?

Corporate strategists have long been advocating the saying "Change Is Good" because deep in their heart they knew it: no company can survive without change, and no change happens without risks. And no gain can be achieved without pain.

Guess who's ass is at risk when the next merger, reshuffle, diversification or retrenchment take place?

It's yours. Never mind you make friends, communicate well, reward your staff or whatever silly emotional chores you did to make your professional life sustainable. Because sustainability never work collectively. Everybody- directors, peers, managers, subordinates, they only care for their own ass.

*****

The only thing that's sustainable throughout human history (since the day 1 of human creation if you're a believer) is greed, selfishness, self-centered paranoia and possessiveness. Something that will surely kick out the 'green' habit or whatever rubbish we talk about when creating something sustainable, in the near future.

The verdict for these 'Sustainable' bullshits?

Marketer 1 Life 0

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Viva la Publicité

It’s the tenth anniversary of the movie Fight Club, the one where Brad Pitt stars as an all-knowing anti-advertisement communist who makes ‘hitting the bottom’ looks cool enough.

I’m a fan of this mind-twisting flick, simply because it conveys a meaningful message, the message that strikes through our unconscious stream of societal standards, peer regulation and the recycle bin of rationalism.

White-collar working class is manipulatable.

I’m sure ‘manipulatable’ isn’t a word, but then we can easily manipulate the fact so that you’ll believe it is.

If desk-cubicle-photocopy-coffee is your everyday combo, is it possible that..

• You want to work someplace else, but your needs strapped you tight with your current company.
• You always wanted to look for a higher salary, but but you can’t risk your current paycheck.
• You’re always on the hunt for newer fashionable stuff and swap your cell phones faster than your underwear.
• Your monthly financial commitments (loan repayments, gym etc.) leaving you eating less than what you desire.
• You don’t own any real estate property.

If most of those things sound like your cake, then you’re working in a job you hate buying things you don’t need….therefore:

Advertising is your Buddha.

Advertising tells you what to buy and how to wear and when to snort. If you don’t fall for it, your peers and your family will. If you refuse to oblige, they will judge you. If you won’t comply, they’ll force you to confirm.

Together, you’re subjected to a social standard, set as a result of cumulative hallucination by advertising that collectively targets all the people in your life, making a large peninsular of opinion that you must attach your tiny island of personality to. As a result, you will confirm to this standard, and embrace advertising as your divine orientation.

Is this bad for you? Not really.

You are not special. You’re not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You’re the same decaying organic matter as everything else. We’re all part of the same compost heap. We’re all singing, all dancing crap of the world.

-Tyler Durden, Fight Club

So you’re just fulfilling your role, in style. Still, unlike what the movie tries to tell you, you have choices. Be a slave of advertising- or subject yourself to the communist. In a way, apart from they both consider Che’ Guevara cool, they both will make you feel stupid.

 

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Powerful Words In Marketing

Part of the marketing process is marketing communication, which involves direct selling or advertising copywriting. These form the showdown- the crucial window of opportunity for you to make your prospective customer act.

A sad truth is that human is so easy to deceive. Even more saddening is only 1 choice of word is enough to get the job done. Even more and more saddening is this is not a secret: traditionally marketers have been using these words for their financial gains, but these word still work, and I bet it still will even millenniums from now.

Basic Literature presents to you, the most powerful words in marketing:

Discounts

Sales lines like ‘price-cut’, ‘now cheaper’ and ‘sale’ can really  work. Consumers quickly recognize the deal as valuable- admitting by purchasing the item will make them ‘smart consumer’.

“By buying this stuff right now for $50, I save $20!”

A classic deception- consumers will spend more to save more. Business wins.

Free

‘Free! With a purchase of [product]’ or ‘ get another on free when you buy now’ is a popular way of writing-off obsolete stock. No matter how rubbish the free product is (of course they are, otherwise we’d sold them before), the term ‘value’ will transform the consumer into a systematic free-loader.

I don’t care if it works, as long as I get something for free…it’s a value deal.

Limited

Using ‘for limited time/place only’, coupled with the call ‘hurry-up!’ are very good to produce a state of hysteric paranoia, associated with having to face the possibility of out-of-stock disappointment.

“Oh no! What happen if I’m too late? Better grab it first before it’s too late.”

This type of thinking makes the customer ‘act first, think later’ which demonstrates the success in increasing sales of crappy products. Combined with a call-to-action tools like telephone number, it will multiply the probability of action taken by the prospect after being exposed to these words.

Guaranteed

‘Money-back guarantee’, ‘No-Question asked policy’ plant the perceptions:

“I don’t have anything to loose if I buy this”,

“there’s no risk at all since I can return this”

…..in the consumer’s mind. Given the fact that marketers including physical retailers still use this word in the business, so few customers actually ever return the stuff the bought. Why? Because the regret they get after buying it will not be enough to persuade them through the hassle of returning the product.

Proven

Most of the time, it’s not like some credible third-party auditor with a systematic study that certify the product as ‘proven’. More often it’s the in-house, trivial experiments with intolerable standard of error that back up the claim saying the said product has been proven to work.

However, the word is powerful since it actually deliver the message into the consumer’s mind that

“hey somebody has been using it before me, so what the heck.”

With additional lines like ‘try it yourself!’, your sales will jump tenfold.

Immediately

The word like ‘immediately available’, or ‘ready stock’ make consumers think that the product can be rapidly available for consumption which means the time needed for them to face the moment of truth (to the claims about the product) has been shortened.

Hey I can quickly use the product in a matter of minutes!

…even though the result may take several months to show up, it doesn’t matter. Because at the end of the day, ‘impulse’ decision is the only reason why so many products are sold.

*****

Well…the bottom line is, consumers are always influenced by impulse decisions in purchasing goods and services.

The words listed above are the fuel for the impulse flame.

 

Read also:

Retailing: Clever Tactics Targeting The Not-So Clever

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How To Handle A Stupid Boss

Yes it is possible that your boss is a hard-worker, he stays back every day. He can be a great communicator- he speaks with charm, and have a boatloads of charisma, his bosses and superiors adore him.

But at the same time, it is also possible that he’s stupid. He can’t get even a simple job done on his own. He’s incompetent in the technical sides of everything, repeating the same mistakes every time. He’s a slow learner, repetitively questioning your work unnecessarily, insisting he’s right over and over again.

And at the end of the day, he’ll take all the credits, unbeknown to his superiors that your boss is nothing without you.

And I understand how this annoys you. Your work becomes 10 times more complicated, the arguments and repetitive briefings mean it took longer time to finish even the simplest tasks, and it all ends up with him getting the compliments.

As usual, you can stop this.

 

Let his superiors know…

Plant time bomb in your work

In your report, plant some intentional errors that he, because of his naivety, won’t detect. Let’s hope the report gets submitted to his superiors and they notice the mistakes and tick him off for submitting a report full of flaw…which obviously proves that he’s incompetent, or someone else is doing his job and he didn’t bother/know how to check.

 

Sabotage his meetings/presentation

If you prepare materials for his meetings and presentations, always leave crucial but basic information out of his slides, files or notes. When he’s in the middle of the meeting/presentation, he’ll come to a complete halt because of those omitted simple facts. This will publicly prove that he doesn’t have even the basic knowledge, and will trigger an inquisition into his past work and credibility.

 

Stamp at footer and docs info

If he repetitively take credits for everything you do, stamp your work documents with ‘prepared by [your name]’ in places he’ll find it hard to edit. In Word’s documents for example, type your name in the footer. Even better, in PowerPoint's slide, use the slide master.

 

Let him know…

Quietly submits application for training on his behalf

Apply, quietly for him, for basic training courses (How To Use Microsoft Office) or other classes deemed only suitable for complete noobs and beginners (like him). Look at how he’ll sit back and wonder whether he actually needs the training and struggles to rationalize the reasons he doesn’t need one.

 

Flaunt your credentials everywhere

Use your cubicle as your gigantic resume: hang your professional certificates,  technical credentials, your academic achievements..anything that speaks you’re technically more qualified than him in every single way possible.

 

Always use jargons to speak with him in public

He’ll struggle to keep up with the technical side of the conversation, and will try hard to prove to the others he knows what he’s talking about, looking like an idiot all the way.

 

Let’s hope this combo of awareness will neutralize him out of your way- let’s hope he’ll learn some respect for you.

……Just don’t forget to abuse that respect as a revenge.

 

You should also read: How To Handle Your Raging Boss

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