How To Handle A Stupid Boss

Yes it is possible that your boss is a hard-worker, he stays back every day. He can be a great communicator- he speaks with charm, and have a boatloads of charisma, his bosses and superiors adore him.

But at the same time, it is also possible that he’s stupid. He can’t get even a simple job done on his own. He’s incompetent in the technical sides of everything, repeating the same mistakes every time. He’s a slow learner, repetitively questioning your work unnecessarily, insisting he’s right over and over again.

And at the end of the day, he’ll take all the credits, unbeknown to his superiors that your boss is nothing without you.

And I understand how this annoys you. Your work becomes 10 times more complicated, the arguments and repetitive briefings mean it took longer time to finish even the simplest tasks, and it all ends up with him getting the compliments.

As usual, you can stop this.

 

Let his superiors know…

Plant time bomb in your work

In your report, plant some intentional errors that he, because of his naivety, won’t detect. Let’s hope the report gets submitted to his superiors and they notice the mistakes and tick him off for submitting a report full of flaw…which obviously proves that he’s incompetent, or someone else is doing his job and he didn’t bother/know how to check.

 

Sabotage his meetings/presentation

If you prepare materials for his meetings and presentations, always leave crucial but basic information out of his slides, files or notes. When he’s in the middle of the meeting/presentation, he’ll come to a complete halt because of those omitted simple facts. This will publicly prove that he doesn’t have even the basic knowledge, and will trigger an inquisition into his past work and credibility.

 

Stamp at footer and docs info

If he repetitively take credits for everything you do, stamp your work documents with ‘prepared by [your name]’ in places he’ll find it hard to edit. In Word’s documents for example, type your name in the footer. Even better, in PowerPoint's slide, use the slide master.

 

Let him know…

Quietly submits application for training on his behalf

Apply, quietly for him, for basic training courses (How To Use Microsoft Office) or other classes deemed only suitable for complete noobs and beginners (like him). Look at how he’ll sit back and wonder whether he actually needs the training and struggles to rationalize the reasons he doesn’t need one.

 

Flaunt your credentials everywhere

Use your cubicle as your gigantic resume: hang your professional certificates,  technical credentials, your academic achievements..anything that speaks you’re technically more qualified than him in every single way possible.

 

Always use jargons to speak with him in public

He’ll struggle to keep up with the technical side of the conversation, and will try hard to prove to the others he knows what he’s talking about, looking like an idiot all the way.

 

Let’s hope this combo of awareness will neutralize him out of your way- let’s hope he’ll learn some respect for you.

……Just don’t forget to abuse that respect as a revenge.

 

You should also read: How To Handle Your Raging Boss

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How Corporate Practices Can Change The World

The decision by Maggie Whitman, former C.E.O of EBay and the poster girl for corporate women, to run for the Governor of California splits the opinion poll. Can a woman fix one of the world’s largest economy?

 

What’s interesting is how her supporters are pulling behind her track record- how she managed to fix the company and grow it tenfold. The consensus among them is that if you can fix corporate organizations, you can fix anything. After all it’s all about management isn’t it.

So let’s see how we can use the corporate methodology to fix the world.

 

Global warming: The buzz that struggles to gain momentum

The global warming is a hype that, although spreading like a wildfire, tends to be put off quickly. So, in order to enhance our message for the long run, we should let the environment deteriorate so that the people can get the actual feel of the effect.

We should save all the money from those ineffective promotional stunts for the restoration work, which will garner a more effective support from the public. It’s a more efficient strategy.

Strategies involved: product demonstration, budget allocation strategy

 

Energy depletion: The struggles to pick the alternatives

Debates after debates can’t resolve the million dollar question: which alternative is the best? Proponents of different alternatives (like solar, nuclear) continuously discredit each other.  By us being skeptical to one another, the depleting conventional energies won hands down. Let’s suppress the skeptics. 

Give free demo samples to the public to test themselves- hand out mini-plants powered by the alternatives like solar panel and the nuclear mini reactor, to power their homes. Let the people decide based on their experience.

Strategies involved: free samples, crowd-sourcing

 

Terrorism: The affect of being terrorized by the terror threat

Today, terrorists would just have to issue a public threat, sit back, and let the paranoid response from the public do the damage. To quell this phobia, let’s organize an intensive press releases- let’s tell the world that we’re not afraid of terrorism, they’re our friends, we’re mutually benefiting entity.

Strategies involved:  PR damage control, branding and positioning

 

The plagues (AIDS, H1N1): The effort to increase action taken

Let’s infect random people in a wide range of geography. Let the public be the vector- for both the disease and the message. This is an effective way to capitalize word of mouth where the patients, as a walking endorser, can reach a wider audience.

It’s more credible and wide-targeting than any paid advertisements can do, so let’s hope it will persuade more actions.

Strategies involved: Word-of-mouth marketing, endorsement tactics

 

Economy- Light at the end of the tunnel

The current economy, in optimism speak, is the dark tunnel with the light at the end of it. But the problem is, the light is in the opposite direction. We’re more and more into the mess the more we progress.

Well, it’s obvious that the corporate world can’t fix the economy. Because it’s the cause of the fall in the first place. So, step back, and let the government fix it. Only they can do it now.

Strategy involved: Bankruptcy protection

 

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Don’t Let Your Subordinates Steal Your Job

The ugly side of being a manager is the ratio of people fighting for your job.

You alone : All your subordinates

As the probability of you being an awesome manager is remote, therefore I conclude that you’re not competent enough to be the best person for the job compared with your subordinate.

But wait. Don’t succumb to the vanity mirror. Here’s how you can reduce the probability of you being replaced by your star subordinate.

 

Restrain them - Reinforce fear

Motivation is yesterday’s tool. Don’t motivate people to polish their performance, or your top management will soon realize you’re outshined by your subordinate. Use fear instead to keep them going, so that they’ll perform just to be in the safe zone, not the ‘excellent’ zone.

 

Break them - Discourage teamwork

As I’ve mentioned earlier, a well-organized team will lead to a well-organized resistance. You’re too weak to face that. Break them apart. In a meeting, they should only talk to you. They shall not work in pairs. If possible, they should work in different floors. Or different country. Whatever necessary.

 

Weaken them - Be vague

Don’t be precise in your orders.  Give hints, not directions. Train them to read your mind. Next, change your mind often. This way, in the event of failure, your management principle is not to be blame, because you have none. You can now blame your subordinates for their lack of apprehension in the way you work.

 

 

Spy them - Select your clandestine agent

Quickly pick your favorite among your colleagues and promote them as your sarjeant-at-arms. This person must be, or, have the potential to be, your most loyal fan in the department. This person will be your eyes and ears, in the office wherever you’re not around. This person is your department’s Secret Police, so you’ll know any plan for coup-d’etat and eliminate the threat before the Operation Valkyrie commence.

 

Discourage them - Keep your succession planning public

You should analyze your subordinates according to the threat they posed to your position. In ascending order, list down your preferences of successor. The least threatening subordinate will be the top progeny in your succession planning. Your most threatening rival will know he/she doesn’t stand a chance to be promoted and will call it a quit, literally.

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Re-observe The Labor Day

Oh..It’s the time of the year again for laborers to get their ‘well-deserved’ break again. Yeay. It’s labor day. Although other countries might call it International Worker’s Day, The May Day, The Worker’s Day, Holiday of National Labor, Day of Labor, The Day of Spring and Labor…however crappy the name is, it’s a day to celebrate.

But not here in my company. They don’t get my blessing to go on leave today, despite the usual demonstration, rally, march, parade and other anti-capitalist-like events.

Not like before. Exactly 365 days ago when I wrote about labor day I gave the day off to my employees, but things have changed so much then, the break is no-longer relevant. The tides have changed. The economy is going down badly, employment is a scarce commodity. Company owners like me has a bigger bargaining power right now, so employee unions are relegated to the has-been this very day.

We’re a beaten superman. Why unions are our kryptonite.

The bullish market, which was doing so well until the crash, has stumbled. With companies struggling with their balancing act in this economy, we don’t need disruptors. The employee union can be one. They’ll fight for whatever they see necessary with no conceivable limit.

Take the United Auto Workers (UAW) for example. They paralyzed the big three’s coffers with their stupid demand for retiree’s pension and healthcare treatment. How such a large union can cross the stupidity boundary continues to amuse us, but it seems that the following is true:

2 brainless heads is stupider than one.

That, coupled with the tipping point theory:

When something reaches certain level (the tipping point), the momentum for change becomes unstoppable.

When greed (and stupidity) passes along the ranks and proportionately becomes greater with the number of union members, it will become unstoppable at one point. It will reach the stage where any employee union can effectively run the respective company through blackmailing. They’ll command everything their way with the help of the legal strike.

The problem lies when they’re not the owner of the company, thus they don’t have the sense of ownership and the responsibility to sustain it for the long run. They’ll skim every possible benefit from the company until it’s out of shape, and when bankruptcy is the only viable option guess who’s the loudest kvetch?

The union.

So right now we need stability and the peace of mind to get us on our foot again. Emotions are running high, negativity is in the air. Stupidity is everywhere. To prevent the stupidity from reaching the tipping point and hence being a controlling force, we must disable the medium. WE MUST NOT ENCOURAGE unionized workforce.

So get back to work. No labor day celebration this year. More power to the capitalists like me!

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A Thank You Letter For Employees

 Dear employees,

It’s been a while since I personally write to all of you, but this time around, the times are tough, I thought you guys need a lift in spirit. I’m writing this to inform you guys how thankful I am to have such a supportive and strong workforce under my wings- we’ve proven we’re able to fly through thick and thin.

First of all, thank you for sticking with this company. Even when you know we’re facing difficulties in sustaining our existence, you’re being a complete sport. Thank you for taking the pay cut. Thank you for not protesting the massive layoff we did in the recent months. Not that you have any choice, I guess being employed slave-like is much better than being unemployed, but anyway thank you very much.

I would also like to thank you for working very hard. Yes, so hard, even our board of directors noticed our achievements. Without your effort, I couldn’t afford the congratulations on my job well done. I couldn’t afford the millions of bonuses I got, I couldn’t afford the ‘savior’ status I was commended.. I even couldn’t imagine being in this Gulfstream jet (Mauritius is gorgeous!). Thank you again. You’ve sacrificed a lot to make all this possible- all while working in a harsher and poorer condition.

Again, I would like to thank you guys for being professional. I know it’s so hard to control your emotions during these hard times- all the uncertainties in the economy, the changes in the country, the morale of the society. Even though you’re mad only because you’re assigned twice the workload (from your unfortunate laid-off peers), and you have to work twice as hard, under half the budget (because of the massive cost-cutting), thank you for not rioting in front of the building, and thank you for keeping my courtesy Mercedes S600L scratch-free.

Please continue keeping your hands off my baby.

Furthermore, I would like to express my outmost gratitude to you for being desperate. I know without desperation, none of any sane being would continue to work for this company, under this challenging condition, with very potentially unfortunate circumstances (more details in the following paragraph). Thank you.

Lastly, thank you for being gullible- for believing this letter is indeed a thank-you note. For feeling appreciated. For feeling more motivated. Because by you feeling so, it’s easier to tell you that we will not give any bonus payouts this year, we are not done with the lay-offs, we will undergo more cruel budget cuts. All this just so that the company continues to have enough cash to honor my sumptuous compensation package.

Whatever it is, please remember we’re in this mess together. You’re neck-deep…. while lifting me up high and safe.

Thank you.

 

Your C.E.O.

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